Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I emailed Dan Donkers today. That's right, there's another Dan Donkers. He's a waste management specialist or something. He's from Minnesota. I just found it so strange that there would be another Dan with the last name "Donkers" that I had to email him. I hope he likes me. I mean . . . If Dan Donkers doesn't like Dan Donkers, wouldn't that cause some kind of tear in the space-time fabric? Is there such thing as space-time fabric? I've been reading too much Douglas Adams. Maybe we'll be friends. And we'll conquer the world together.

I came to a kind of startling, but liberating realization today. I started to think about my whole relationship with God, and how I approach him. I've been feeling lately like I almost need to apologize to God for being a Christian. It's like I think that God expects me to be a certain person. Some kind of spiritual genius that I just am not.
Genius? maybe. Spiritual genius? no.

Then it just hit me . . .

Maybe I should start living my relationship with God out of who I am, rather than who I feel like I'm expected to be. Growing up in a big, revivalistic church, I've always felt this pressure to have dynamic devotional times, where I always come out feeling satisfied and refreshed. Something where I'm always experiencing measurable growth.
The truth is, that rarely happens. Day to day spiritual growth just isn't measurable like that. But the way my church talked, you'd think that it was. So most of the time I've been sorely disappointed in myself for my pitiful times of devotion and prayer. All this to say, I've always expected myself to be someone I'm not spiritually, even when I'm alone with God.

Really, relationships aren't about the flashes and parades. They're the everyday things. Talking, listening, being together. That's what I'm like with my friends, and yet I expect God to be different somehow. It's like I can be myself around my friends, but when I approach God I have to be all spiritual. I'm not very spiritual, but I love God. Quite a bit actually. So, I want to relate to him in a way that fits with my personality. That's the way God made me. I'm way more spontaneous than I've allowed myself to be. That should fit in with the way I relate to God. I need to be more honest. And I need to accept that He loves me the way I am. I will make mistakes, but that doesn't stop Him from loving me. It never has, but I'm a perfectionist.

I think that God's alot friendlier than I give him credit for.

Today was my birthday. I am 21 years old. There was a party. At my house. We watched a movie. And ate food. Then people went home.

We had a big family prayer session before I went back to school. Man, I love having a family that prays, although it can be a little intimidating sometimes. They prayed all kinds of great stuff for me, which was really cool. Encouraging things, like how God will use me to speak into people's lives and stuff. Like specifically into people's lives. I don't know if I've ever had any "words of knowledge" or anything like that . . . I don't even really like talking about it. That's such a sensitive area that I've seen people manipulate before. But that doesn't make it illegitimate. I guess I'm just realizing that I have alot of church related issues to work through. I want to be open to God's gifts in my life, so yeah, I'm not writing anything off.

My parents also talked about the stuff I've gone through in my life in a really interesting way. They compared it to a kind of sifting, I guess like a preparation for things ahead maybe. They believe, and I think I agree, that the devil has really tried to get to me. Seriously tried to mess me up I guess. It feels weird to say that certain things are the work of the devil, but I do believe in him, so if he exists I imagine he would want to do things to foil God's plans, including God's plans for my life specifically. I think the devil tries to get to everyone. Anyways, I've been sort of feeling that, like I'm coming out of a phase in my life. And I'm coming out on top somehow. Not necessarily unscathed, but definitely not dead. It doesn't really feel like that right now, since I've been asking myself all these really hard questions. But I'm facing things, and that's what really counts. They prayed for boldness for me, which is something I have been working on. I'm starting to speak my mind, which they might not always like. It is a good thing though.

Then, they prayed for a wife.

I've decided that I need to perform. I've been playing drums for around 8 years now, and I'm finding myself not being challenged by church/chapel gigs. I think in reality though, I just can't handle trying to spiritualize music anymore. Not just my music, but the music we sing in church in general. So much of the songs we sing I could imagine singing to a girlfriend more than I could imagine singing them to God. So I feel like I'm a part of this show that's not allowed to be a show. I want to play my best, but I want people to focus on God. Then that makes me think about the whole worship experience . . .

Is the church appropriating the emotional power of music and spiritualizing it?
Is there something legitimately spiritual about the music we sing and play in church?
How come when we dance to music in church it's worship, but when we dance the same way to a secular song it's different somehow . . . perhaps some would even say wrong?

I remeber at my grad cruise when a bunch of people were jumping around to some AC/DC song. I remember feeling so spiritual because I would only dance like that in church. I think if I had the chance to go back I would totally dance . . . I like AC/DC sometimes.

I guess I find most Christian music completely uninspiring. It's like God gave so many Christians gifts of writing, arranging, playing music, and they just copy whatever is popular in the secular world and throw Christian lyrics on it. I think Christians have legitimate things to say. Not just relating to religion either. I mean we have legitimate things to say musically. And lyrically. So many Christian songs are so shallow, and they always treat the same "God" topics. Do Christians not fall in love? Do we not experience heartbreak? Or anger? Or perhaps (God forbid) fear?

I think this is why I really like In Medias Res alot.

I think that insecurity is like the ocean. At least that's the way it is for me. I'm just enjoying a nice day on the beach when suddenly the next big wave crashes down. And then I'm left spluttering, trying to stop the current from dragging me out to sea.

A little drastic, I know . . . it's just been that kind of weekend.

My Dorm is becoming Animal Farm

I keep having random, animal related mishaps. It's really weird. I had two yesterday. First, we discovered that this "rat" in our ceiling was actually a trapped bird. That was kind of sad I guess. All the girls were making girly noises like "awwww" or "oooooh." I was kind of hoping the bird would fly out and cause havoc. It didn't, however. Instead, I think it died. Birds don't like feeling like they have to live up to others' expectations I suppose. So now we have a dead bird in our ceiling that will probably do what most other dead things do and start smelling bad and producing maggots soon. Unless our hero Larry can come and get it out soon.

Second, the cat sat on my toothbrush. The Morrisson cat, who I have tried so hard to build a meaningful relationship with, decided to plant her ass right on the bristles. I was disgusted, to say the least. A rather hilarious chase ensued, as I yelled at the cat, grabbed the toothbrush and threw it at the cat, then chased the cat around the hallways. I've decided to give it a new nickname . . . "Bitch". I think that's charming. Much like my ass toothbrush.

Although I must confess that the cat came back later that night . . .
And I petted it . . .
And snuggled . . .

So since having this blog site I've made a discovery. I've realized that I am almost completely internet illiterate. In some ways I'm quite alright with this. I know some people who have a disturbing amount of knowledge of html, and all they use it for is Christian chatlines. That's scary. I tried to learn a little bit though for the sake of this site, but I didn't get very far. Html is probably simple, but right now it looks like Hebrew to me, and really it's entirely irrelevant how much I know of it, because I'll rarely use it. Much like Hebrew.

I've also realized how movie illiterate I am. Alot of my friends talk about these movies all the time, and they know all the names of the actors and stuff, and then I say something like, "You know . . . I really enjoyed 'What a Girl Wants'. It was cute." Then I get this look of absolute shock from the crowd, which I kind of enjoy. It's like when I tell people I like Amanda Marshall. I can't say I loved "What a Girl Wants," but it was cute. Which I already just said. But yeah, I didn't even know who Selma Hayek was, or that she was georgeous. But apparently that's common knowledge. I guess I won't tell people that I really like Molly Parker. Mostly because of her many freckles.

I'm going to try that thing where I say what music I'm listening to, just in case anybody cares.
currently: Josh Kelly - For the Ride Home, and REM - Best of album.

So apparently I have a blog site now. This is all very exciting for me. I'm not usually one to randomly transfer my thoughts to the internet. Internet people kind of freak me out sometimes . . . I always get this feeling that they don't really exist. Maybe by doing this I am negating my own existence or something. Weird . . .

There's a mouse in my apartment right now. I go to a modern Bible College with modern dorms, and yet I'm afraid to eat out of my own cupboards right now. I had a bag of chips in there. I had to convince myself that the rat had no way of getting in there just so I could eat them. I'm sure I saw a flea in the cupboard . . . but then again, I've never seen a flea.