Tales of a Secret Rockstar

So I've been doing a lot of thinking these past couple of weeks. Way too much thinking probably. I think too much. It's a mixed blessing I think. Or maybe a mixed curse? I don't know.

Anyways, to be honest, this dilemma has been really tormenting me. I don't know why. It seems like such a small deal. But it's not really small at all. Because ultimately, my problem isn't theological here, it's personal. This isn't about whether or not I agree with Peter C. Wagner's ideas on the restoration of apostles and prophets. It's really about what path I'm going to choose for my life. It's about who I am, my very identity. Will I live the rest of my life trying to make others happy? Or will I choose to do what makes me happy. That's the central issue here.

I feel like I've been a follower for most of my life. Sure I'm a unique person, but when it comes to my direction in life, I've been a follower. I've tried to make my parents happy. I've tried to make my church happy. I've tried to make God happy, at least I've tried to do what I think will make him happy, based on the expectations of others. And the truth is, I'm not happy. I am very unhappy. And not just because of my current life situation. I've always been restless. I've always been kind of dissarisfied. And I'm starting to think that maybe it's because I don't really feel like I'm my own person. I'm following someone else's plan. And it's not necessarily God's plan. I'm trying to keep everyone else happy. It's not working.

My big issue with the whole Tom Cook thing is this: Ever since that day, I've had this shadow hanging over me. I feel like I either have to prove or disprove his words. It seems like it's okay with my parents and my church for my life to be decided by the words of a slightly sketchy "prophet" (I'm being conservative in saying "slightly sketchy"). I questioned my parents about him once. They quite seriously warned me about another person in the church who questioned Tom. They said that God struck him with a disease that brought him close to death. And he had to repent, then God healed him. That's the kind of shadow I live under. It pisses me off that I got threatened for asking what I think are legitimate questions. And my parents still fully expect me to be some kind of apostle or prophet. All because of arbitrary prophet man.

Clearly the issue is personal. Which makes it that much harder to deal with. I don't have any objectivity here. If I reject this vein of spirituality, I reject my own childhood. I feel like I would be rejecting my family. But I think this way of doing things is manipulative and wrong. I know that I'll never be able to be myself if I follow it. I just want to reject everything about my past out of hand. But the thing is, in the midst of all that baggage, there's God. He was still active in my life. Even with all the stuff, I know God was there too. I just want to take Him with me, and leave all the stuff behind. Which is much harder than dismissing it all out of hand. So there is my dilemma. I'm tired of trying to be holy. I just want to be healthy. I'm tired of the "one man show" idea of ministry. I need community so desperately. In the midst of all my confusion I haven't talked to anyone. And that's driving me crazy.

So there you have it. I guess this is what you call "finding yourself". I'm realizing that I need to be true to myself. In the end, I need to do what makes me happy. Because I think that's what God wants. And if He has a different idea, He can tell me Himself.

I don't want my adult life to be an angry reaction against my childhood. I have so much more to offer than that.