Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I'm so bored of little gods, while I'm standing on the edge of something large, while I'm standing here so close to You . . .

Monday, April 10, 2006

I feel like my life is in total disarray.

A warning to the wise, this is not one of those thinking posts. This is a full on "inner turmoil, I'm crying from the pit of despair" kind of post. Just so we're all clear here.

As I may have mentioned before, life is chaos right now. And it's not really something that can be easily explained. I just don't feel like there's any semblance of order to life right now. I'm just always scrambling.

I'm not doing all that great spiritually. I have this weird feeling that despite my best efforts, I'm being inexorably pulled farther from God. Granted, I keep making sinful/stupid choices that tend to cause this. But I don't necessarily feel in control of those choices. And that really freaks me out. I feel like it's time for a drastic change. I just don't know what to do about it. It's God that changes me. I don't want to try to discipline myself into holy living. But at the same time, life demands discipline. I don't think people can be healthy without it. And the same is true of spirituality. Without spiritual disciplines, I won't grow. It's that constant work of turning my attention off of myself, and on to God. But I don't really like work. So I'm stagnating.

I think that's the problem in general. I'm not willing to be disciplined. I need organization. It's just something I've tried to avoid for a very long time. And I lack confidence. But that's a different post entirely.

posted by Dan # 8:05 p.m.

Comments:

Dan, I completely hear you on the lack of discipline thing. I think this has been my most unmotivated year of school ever. I'm so busy that I often get to the point that when I sit down, I experience that buzzing sensation. You know, the one where your body can't believe you're actually stopping, and once you do, it's like a car idling, just waiting for you to accelerate and do the whole thing again. I've been challenged with the Spiritual disciplines too. It's so hard to start, and I feel like I'm running...no...walking into a wall with that lately. I say all this to let you know that you're not alone. Let's keep trying. What can I learn out of this?

Joel R

# posted by

Anonymous : 1:30 a.m.

dan... i appreciate you.

# posted by

Anonymous : 7:08 p.m.

Dan, as per usual, you will continue to be in my prayers, and if you ever need a morale boost, you can always come over and tool me at NHL. It would also be a good place to practice discipline. For both of us.

# posted by

Anonymous : 10:52 p.m.

i was watching america's next top model last night and they had this challange where this lady critisized them all so harshly and then they had to take a poloroid after, smiling, to see how much the critisizim phased them. there was only one girl who wasn't affected. it made me think about how much we relly on the opinions of others, of how negatively we think of ourselves. of how people will believe the bad about themselves a lot quicker/easier then the good.

also, i too have been thinking a lot lately about how most of my life i have tried to avoid disapline/organization and when people ask me to do something that i would have avoided before it takes effort to make myself do it even though i know it's not the end of the world knowing i have to.

It's just something I've tried to avoid for a very long time.

that said, i miss your face. i know your busy and i'm not trying to make you feel bad for being so, but i wanted you to know that i enjoy having you as a friend.

sincerely,
carissa.

# posted by

Anonymous : 5:06 p.m.

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