Tales of a Secret Rockstar

Sometimes when I read this blog I'm overwhelmed by the sheer futility of it. Not that I want it to have some kind of huge impact. It's just interesting to consider how many people just like me are doing the exact same thing. Right now even, there are probably at least 1 000 people posting a blog (and that's a very conservative estimate). This paragraph, of course, is only proof of my endemic self-absorption. I'd say this is one of the most delightful of afflictions, because it is so wonderful for the ego. Except when I decide to blog; then I realize how many people in the world are just as unique as I am.

However, since I still believe in the validity of my thoughts, I shall continue. And my thoughts are actually about self absorption. I've been thinking about it alot. Mostly because selfishness is slavery. Yet to the human mind, that slavery is disguised as freedom. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the idea that freedom is found in loving other people more than I love myself. I don't have that right now. I love my friends and family, but really, I love me. I want to be comfortable, happy, and blissfully unaware of hardship. Particularly when the hardship is not my own. I believe (with my heart if not my mind) that in this state I will be free. I don't have to worry about anyone or anything. I only need to make sure I am happy. And yet, according to the God I claim to serve, this is the complete opposite of freedom. And if I think any deeper than the surface, I have no problem seeing why He's right. Selfishness is slavery to self. It is insidious and compulsive addiction to my happiness, my comfort, my opinions and my feelings. And it is destructive.

I'm starting to realize that a life built on self simply cannot stand. No one can control their circumstances to the point where they do not suffer pain or loss. In that sense, selfishness is illusion. The kingdom I build for myself, I cannot rule. Inevitably, it will fall. I cannot shut out all pain without shutting out the world itself. That leads to insanity.

The problem is that I cannot wrap my mind around the opposite lifestyle. It's hard to grasp the idea that I will be at my best when I am giving my best to others. I will be most free when I am carrying the burdens of others. I don't like getting involved in other people's lives. Other people's lives are sticky. They take work and care. They're not easy to fix, and not easy to control. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I only like problems I can fix, and challenges I can win. And getting involved in people's lives does not promise that. I can't fix anybody. People aren't objects to be fixed in the first place. And that makes relationships a scary environment for me. I can't just decree solutions. I need only to love, and let God do the work. That freaks me out.

All this makes me think about the idea of conversion. But I'll save that for the next post. This shall be a two part post. Those are my favourites anyways.