Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I sin a lot.
It bothers me, because the thing that makes me think I sin a lot is always the same.
I suppose I should say I commit the same sin a lot.
That drives me crazy.
I guess I'm addicted.

I find that the church is always talking about the concept of God being with us in hard times. But it seems that those hard times are always external circumstances. I always wonder about the hard times that are self-imposed. Basically, the situation in which I find myself. Is God there for those? Does he truly care enough for me to rescue me from my own stupidity. That's always been a huge question for me. I always feel that if I am in difficulty because of a situation I have created, I should have to deal with that on my own. I don't know why, it just seems fair; like God teaching me a lesson. But somehow, I don't think that's grace. I would like to know grace. To really know it.

I've started going to a new church. This church is all about a sort of war mentality. Everything seems to be a battle. In a sense they're right, and it's a real eye opener for me. There is a devil, he does work against us. But sometimes it seems excessive. Like we have these blinders on. They recently have gone through some difficult times involving one of the pastors. I understand that this is painful, and a difficult situation to deal with. But sometimes I think they're going about it poorly. They see this as an attack on them. Everytime I hear about it, it's referred to as an attack of the enemy against them and their work. Not that they aren't showing grace to this pastor. That's not the problem. I guess my concern is that, as far as the congregation is concerned, they are replacing an open and honest grieving process with a spiritual war. I believe there is definite spiritual attack here, but I don't think its the whole picture. This is a huge opportunity to discuss our fallibility as humans. If one of our own can fall, maybe we aren't so much better than those on the outside. The human capability for deception, especially self deception, is almost boundless. I am battling for my very life against such deception. I wish those issues were dealt with in the church. Perhaps we would learn that we're not so different from the thieves and gamblers, the homosexuals and whoever else Christians rail against on a daily basis. We have this beautiful truth, and a loving, relational God. And if not for that, we would be in much the same situation as those outside of the church.

My brain just froze.
Conclusion to follow soon.