Tales of a Secret Rockstar

Okay, so the conclusion to previous post. I think I was really freaked out that day, like worried that I could never change. I have those fears alot, and in that, I really underestimate God. That's one good thing about the church I'm attending; they don't underestimate God at all. Because ultimately, God has set us free from the power of deception, even self-deception. It rests on me to choose to walk in that freedom. Which is scary because the thoughts in my head seem much more real than the truth of God's word sometimes. But I am starting to believe that God can change me. Not only that, I am starting to believe that God can change anyone. No situation is out of his grasp. And that is good, because He is good. And that's all I have to say about that.

I sin a lot.
It bothers me, because the thing that makes me think I sin a lot is always the same.
I suppose I should say I commit the same sin a lot.
That drives me crazy.
I guess I'm addicted.

I find that the church is always talking about the concept of God being with us in hard times. But it seems that those hard times are always external circumstances. I always wonder about the hard times that are self-imposed. Basically, the situation in which I find myself. Is God there for those? Does he truly care enough for me to rescue me from my own stupidity. That's always been a huge question for me. I always feel that if I am in difficulty because of a situation I have created, I should have to deal with that on my own. I don't know why, it just seems fair; like God teaching me a lesson. But somehow, I don't think that's grace. I would like to know grace. To really know it.

I've started going to a new church. This church is all about a sort of war mentality. Everything seems to be a battle. In a sense they're right, and it's a real eye opener for me. There is a devil, he does work against us. But sometimes it seems excessive. Like we have these blinders on. They recently have gone through some difficult times involving one of the pastors. I understand that this is painful, and a difficult situation to deal with. But sometimes I think they're going about it poorly. They see this as an attack on them. Everytime I hear about it, it's referred to as an attack of the enemy against them and their work. Not that they aren't showing grace to this pastor. That's not the problem. I guess my concern is that, as far as the congregation is concerned, they are replacing an open and honest grieving process with a spiritual war. I believe there is definite spiritual attack here, but I don't think its the whole picture. This is a huge opportunity to discuss our fallibility as humans. If one of our own can fall, maybe we aren't so much better than those on the outside. The human capability for deception, especially self deception, is almost boundless. I am battling for my very life against such deception. I wish those issues were dealt with in the church. Perhaps we would learn that we're not so different from the thieves and gamblers, the homosexuals and whoever else Christians rail against on a daily basis. We have this beautiful truth, and a loving, relational God. And if not for that, we would be in much the same situation as those outside of the church.

My brain just froze.
Conclusion to follow soon.

I want to start over.
As a kid I never heard of the concept of a "do-over". To me that's just bad grammar. Much like putting a period after a quotation mark. But right now I just want a fresh start. Especially with God. It seems like we're that really sketchy married couple that never seems to actually be happy, but can never figure out why. I feel like a spiritual outsider somehow. Like I know God, but I'm not really sure if we're friends. Like I've just screwed things up too many times. I think I also feel really burned by him, or at least by his church. I think there's been a large amount of miscommunication between God and I. Which would lead to feeling like that sketchy married couple.
So I want to start over.