Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I didn't take that job.
I think it's a good thing. I didn't have the money to move to Abbotsford anyways.

I've come to realize something quite funny about myself. In my teen years, I looked at those people who needed to "find themselves" as quite ridiculous. You know, those people who backpack through Europe or sit at coffee shops and write in leatherbound books and such. I decided I wouldn't be one of those people. I would not go through some kind of young adult identity crisis. I would go to Bible College, become a youth pastor, and be happy.
The funny part is, in working so hard to not be that person, I've become exactly that person. I'm lost, I'm looking for answers, and I don't even know for what questions. I'm insecure and scared of life. In some hilarious twist of fate, I am the one who needs to "find himself". It's a scary thought, because I never really planned on this happening. Some people plan their lives as if they are on a boat. They set a course, and more or less follow it. But there is some deviation, and the possibility of a change of course. I think I planned mine as if I was on a train. I layed down track hoping that I was heading in the right direction. The problem is, and I think I've known this for a long time, is that I was bound to crash.

So here I am. Writing a rather incoherent blog about how my life lacks direction. The thing is, I think I'm starting to be okay with that. Not that I want it to become a permanent state of affairs, but maybe I need to find out what I want to do, who I want to be, and do that. I think I've been trying to live up to this idea I have of who God wants me to be, and it's just impossible. Because my idea of who God wants me to be is something akin to perfect. And what I think he wants me to do is not really appealing to me in the least. It's like I think he wants me to be unhappy. These are all things that I have struggled with for a long time. So I hope maybe I'm starting to face them finally. I'm tired. And blabbery (if that's a word).

I always look too far ahead. I never pay attention to the journey.