Tales of a Secret Rockstar

Today was an interesting day.
I am stressed out.
Here's why:

Today I came home after running some errands. My mom had just finished listening to a preacher on a cd. She was really touched. It was this prophet named Todd Bentley. Some of the things that touched her were personal, but some of the things were also about me. Todd talked about God raising up "prophetic writers." She said when she heard this, she just started praying it for me. She told me that I have a prophetic gift, and God is going to use that. I am going to write. It was really cool because a) I know I have a prophetic gift, and b) I know I'm going to write. I felt like it was just a great confirmation, and maybe a push forward to really write what I think.

Here's why I'm stressed out. First of all, we talked about Tom Cooke, and what he spoke about my life. This has been a bit of a sore subject for me because alot of what he said about me 5 years ago is starting to be true. He didn't necessarily predict events, but he said that I'm a visionary, a dreamer, which I am. I don't know why it would bother me so much if he was right, except that I don't think he and I would see eye to eye on several fundamental doctrinal issues. The whole idea that I went in for an appointment with a prophet sketches me out. So there's that.
Second, and more importantly, I don't think that what I end up doing is going to be anything like the expectations raised here. I run in a completely opposite vein to the "community of prophets" that seems to exist. I don't know what to say here, I honestly haven't done enough research. But I've been looking at some of these websites, and one thing I've noticed is that all these prophetic types believe firmly in the "Five-fold ministry" doctrine, and speak very highly of the "Latter-Rain" movement. I did a little research into the Latter-Rain movement. Here's a quote I found at http://watch.pair.com/rain.html (The website is against the movement, this quote is a little tongue-in-cheek I think):

Are you having difficulty discerning or receiving this "new revelation"? Then perhaps you have been interpreting your Bible in the "old way" -- comparing Scripture with Scripture, studying diligently to account for every jot and tittle and being careful to rightly divide the Word of truth. If this describes you, then you belong to the "Old Generation" which will not enter in to "possess the land" in the Latter Rain Revival. You may even be a member of a denominational church with its dogmatic confession of faith and statement of doctrine. These legalistic forms will be relics of the past in the up and coming "Postdenominational Church." Paul Cain advises that you "dump all that carnal stuff" (doctrine) and listen to what the "spirit" is saying to the churches through the Latter Rain Prophets and Apostles, who are dispensing many "new, sacred truths."

Sketchy, at best. And this is the historical basis for the Apostles and Prophets movement. I am a firm believer in history. I love studying it. I am reading a book right now about the Paris Peace conference of 1919. Those six months, in which the world's leaders redrew the world's maps still impacts the world today. The most recent example is the trouble in Iraq. This is a country that did not exist until it became a British mandate in 1919. The Arabs desired independence, but Britain wished to protect its oil interests. That was the beginning of a turmoil that lasts to this day. And why? Because the very inception of the country was flawed. I realize that this is a poor and simplistic argument, but I see parallels here to the Latter-Rain movement. It is a movement that has been flawed and controversial since its conception in the 1950's. I agree that some elements of that movement are excellent, such as its renewed emphasis on the laying on of hands, and the work of the Spirit. However, it's overall thrust is to turn people away from the Word of God, and blindly towards the leadership of self-appointed Prophets and Apostles. This is dangerous and unbiblical. The apostles of the 1st century always admonished their people to pray and study God's word. Paul wrote to Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:15-16, "You have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." It seems that the apostles themselves admonished their followers to read the scriptures. It is interesting to note that Paul also refers to prophecies about Timothy. Clearly there is a place for prophecy in the church, but not at the expense of the primacy of Scripture.

So my ideas don't follow. And as far as the prophets that we hear about these days are concerned, I am not a prophet. I won't speak their message. I don't care about more revival, I care about healing. I care about people like me who spend 17 years in the church and then get churned out into the world and wonder who they are and what the hell happened while they were in churchland. But I know I have a gift. I've known for a while. I usually call it intuition to avoid controversy. But it's there. And it kind of freaks me out.

This is about all I have in me to write about this now. But there's definitely more to come soon . . .

I didn't take that job.
I think it's a good thing. I didn't have the money to move to Abbotsford anyways.

I've come to realize something quite funny about myself. In my teen years, I looked at those people who needed to "find themselves" as quite ridiculous. You know, those people who backpack through Europe or sit at coffee shops and write in leatherbound books and such. I decided I wouldn't be one of those people. I would not go through some kind of young adult identity crisis. I would go to Bible College, become a youth pastor, and be happy.
The funny part is, in working so hard to not be that person, I've become exactly that person. I'm lost, I'm looking for answers, and I don't even know for what questions. I'm insecure and scared of life. In some hilarious twist of fate, I am the one who needs to "find himself". It's a scary thought, because I never really planned on this happening. Some people plan their lives as if they are on a boat. They set a course, and more or less follow it. But there is some deviation, and the possibility of a change of course. I think I planned mine as if I was on a train. I layed down track hoping that I was heading in the right direction. The problem is, and I think I've known this for a long time, is that I was bound to crash.

So here I am. Writing a rather incoherent blog about how my life lacks direction. The thing is, I think I'm starting to be okay with that. Not that I want it to become a permanent state of affairs, but maybe I need to find out what I want to do, who I want to be, and do that. I think I've been trying to live up to this idea I have of who God wants me to be, and it's just impossible. Because my idea of who God wants me to be is something akin to perfect. And what I think he wants me to do is not really appealing to me in the least. It's like I think he wants me to be unhappy. These are all things that I have struggled with for a long time. So I hope maybe I'm starting to face them finally. I'm tired. And blabbery (if that's a word).

I always look too far ahead. I never pay attention to the journey.