Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I have 20 minutes until I have to be at work. Twenty long minutes. I've already completed my internet routine. I have no emails. My ass is getting thoroughly kicked in our fantasy baseball league. And I've read all the blogs that I read. So here I am, meandering through a maze of idle thought.

I think it would be cool if my brain was organized by the Dewey Decimal system. Think about how organized that would be. And then I could just think a number, like 966, and my mind would automatically focus on Canadian history, and the impact of Louis Riel.
Alright . . . That's probably the lamest idea I've ever had.

Right now I'm thinking about girls. Which is pretty common I guess. However, I'm smart enough not to write what I think here. I learned my lesson. Let the archives show that the topic of specific females will not be addressed on this blog. It's just bad news.

Later.

It's been a little while since I've posted anything here. Mostly because I think of great things to write, but by the time I get to a computer I'm just too darn lazy to write them. It's funny how that works.

Sometimes I feel like a non-Christian that prays and reads his Bible all the time. It's strange. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what it is that makes me a Christian.
When I was in highschool, I used to be proud that I was a Christian, that I was different than all those unbelievers. They used to scare me a lot. For a long time I believed that non-Christians could never actually experience happiness or joy. That they were just miserable all the time, until someone would be merciful enough to take them to CLA and fix them. That's pretty much honestly how my brain worked. I guess I grew up believing (and being taught) that separation was the best plan. That what I had as a Christian was special, but all those heathens were out to ruin that with their "partying" and "fun." I never realized that I was supposed to be the contagious one.

Anyways, since Bible College, I've been realizing just how much I have in common with non-Christians. I find myself now, rather than trying to find differences between myself and unbelievers, being struck by the similarities. I can't help but identify with these people who are normal just like me. These people who, in many cases, are more right about the things of life than I am. It's like no one in my youth group ever warned me that these non-Christians would have common sense. Nobody informed me that they enjoyed their lives. That they could laugh and love just like me. It's like I grew up in a bubble.

So now I find my very identity being challenged. I can't hide in the church anymore, nor do I want to. The comfort I once found in knowing that I knew God and they didn't is being replace by this desire to just laugh with people, to know about their lives. The frantic, guilt driven need to "evangelize" is being replaced by a crazy desire to hug people when they're sad. I just want to hug people. It's weird. And to help them with the little wisdom and knowledge of God that I have. I feel like I'm on the same journey they are. And some non-Christians I know are farther along than I am.

I think maybe that when it comes down to it, I have light for my path. I have forgiveness for my mistakes and redemption for my past. I'm finding that I have a community of like-minded friends who challenge me to aim higher, and who help me up when I fall. I have something akin to "joie de vivre" inside of me that can't help but come out, even in the worst of times. Hope, some would call it. These things are all easy to share, but they cannot be preached. These elements of faith are lived.

Ultimately, what I struggle with is the idea of this huge, universal God, inside of me. The idea that there is only one God, and only one way to him. That those who do not accept him will suffer. And that there is a dark side to human nature that cannot be cured through human effort. This fact lends a sense of urgency to life as a Christian. I want to retain this sense of urgency, without the self righteousness and guilt of my teen years. I want to know what it is that sets me apart so that I can share it gladly and gracefully with others.

It is so indescribably nice to have a job. Yesterday I woke up early, and went to work. It was insane and hectic and wonderful. I was doing something. I'm so glad to have a job.

What a sad, discouraging week its been. Sometimes I just feel so damn hopeless. Like I'll never change ever. And sitting at home with nothing to do doesn't exactly encourage pro-activity. I can't believe I just used the word pro-active. Eww. Anyways, I hope God is as good as he and everyone I know says he is. Because my life is just so depressing right now.

For anyone that reads this, please don't worry. I'm not super-depressed or suicidal or anything. Just really discouraged. And since I don't often talk about how I'm feeling, I thought I'd write it down.

I went to my old highschool yesterday to see my brother receive an award for being on the "B" honour roll. He was disappointed that we came out just for that, but it was fun.

Being at that highschool, and seeing some of my old teachers, made me even more convinced that I probably want to teach. My old music teacher was like, "Watch out, you might love it." And I was like, "Yeah, I know." So, yeah, that's how that went down.

In other news, the vegetable store girl has disappeared. I'm definitely disappointed about that. It's just not the same buying your fruit from a middle aged man. I can't have charming vegetable related conversations with him. Boo.

Finally, those two kids just ran in to the library here to play their internet games. Who are these kids? Do they come here every lunch break? I see them all the time. I'm so curious. Anyways, the library is an interesting place.

I think the hardest battle we humans have to fight in this world is the battle against our own flesh. I don't know why the church addresses this issue more. Maybe it's easier to deal with spiritual warfare when we attribute everything to Satan.

Granted Satan is the tempter/accuser of human kind, but he doesn't really have to start from scratch with us. I mean, As human beings we already have a "fallen nature." I've been thinking about that lately. To me, it seems like I have some kind of disease. As Paul said, "When I want to do good, evil is right there with me." It is insidious and sneaky, undermining even my best efforts at goodness.

The thing about this disease is that there is a cure. There has to be, or else we're all doomed. But so far I've found that simply asking Jesus into your heart when you're five years old doesn't suddenly fix everything. It seems, in my rather elementary understanding, that there is this daily process of crucifying the flesh, of putting to death that disease inside of us, through the grace and strength of God. Sure, it will never be fully eradicated until we see God face to face. All of us will face trials numerous before we see the consummation of our hope. But I take heart in knowing that I'm not a hopeless case. Now if only we could be a church that has a realistic and grace filled understanding of our own human natures.