Tales of a Secret Rockstar

It's been a little while since I've posted anything here. Mostly because I think of great things to write, but by the time I get to a computer I'm just too darn lazy to write them. It's funny how that works.

Sometimes I feel like a non-Christian that prays and reads his Bible all the time. It's strange. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what it is that makes me a Christian.
When I was in highschool, I used to be proud that I was a Christian, that I was different than all those unbelievers. They used to scare me a lot. For a long time I believed that non-Christians could never actually experience happiness or joy. That they were just miserable all the time, until someone would be merciful enough to take them to CLA and fix them. That's pretty much honestly how my brain worked. I guess I grew up believing (and being taught) that separation was the best plan. That what I had as a Christian was special, but all those heathens were out to ruin that with their "partying" and "fun." I never realized that I was supposed to be the contagious one.

Anyways, since Bible College, I've been realizing just how much I have in common with non-Christians. I find myself now, rather than trying to find differences between myself and unbelievers, being struck by the similarities. I can't help but identify with these people who are normal just like me. These people who, in many cases, are more right about the things of life than I am. It's like no one in my youth group ever warned me that these non-Christians would have common sense. Nobody informed me that they enjoyed their lives. That they could laugh and love just like me. It's like I grew up in a bubble.

So now I find my very identity being challenged. I can't hide in the church anymore, nor do I want to. The comfort I once found in knowing that I knew God and they didn't is being replace by this desire to just laugh with people, to know about their lives. The frantic, guilt driven need to "evangelize" is being replaced by a crazy desire to hug people when they're sad. I just want to hug people. It's weird. And to help them with the little wisdom and knowledge of God that I have. I feel like I'm on the same journey they are. And some non-Christians I know are farther along than I am.

I think maybe that when it comes down to it, I have light for my path. I have forgiveness for my mistakes and redemption for my past. I'm finding that I have a community of like-minded friends who challenge me to aim higher, and who help me up when I fall. I have something akin to "joie de vivre" inside of me that can't help but come out, even in the worst of times. Hope, some would call it. These things are all easy to share, but they cannot be preached. These elements of faith are lived.

Ultimately, what I struggle with is the idea of this huge, universal God, inside of me. The idea that there is only one God, and only one way to him. That those who do not accept him will suffer. And that there is a dark side to human nature that cannot be cured through human effort. This fact lends a sense of urgency to life as a Christian. I want to retain this sense of urgency, without the self righteousness and guilt of my teen years. I want to know what it is that sets me apart so that I can share it gladly and gracefully with others.