Tales of a Secret Rockstar

Today was . . . brighter.

I swam in the pool.
I thought a lot.
I prayed quite a bit.
It was really nice.

I'm still stuck at home and still pretty bored, but I guess I'm going to at least try and find something meaningful to do, rather than whine.  Maybe God is teaching me something.

If there's anything I've been thinking about, it's how lonely I am.  I don't mean that in a self-pitying mournful way.  More in a realizing how much I isolate myself way.  The weirdest thing about this realization is that I'm seeing how big it is.  How there is no quick fix.  And how this isn't the kind of loneliness that a girl will magically fill.  This is a deep "I need God and community" loneliness.  I think its a good realization.
When you're in a school like the one I went to, community is sort of forced on you.  I found myself accepting it, sometimes begrudgingly, but never really appreciating its depth.  Now that I'm in a different place with different people, I'm starting to understand how important community (by this I mean an intimate group of believers) really is.
There are some things that I wish I could do over again.  Right now I find myself wishing that I had taken the time to really dig in with the people I lived with.  I wish I had learned how to be open with other guys, and how to let them be open with me.  Apparently girls are good at this.  There were moments of openness, but generally I found myself drifting in the company of the guys, never really revealing how I felt about myself, or them.  I don't think guys are very good at affirming eachother.  We need to find a way to do that without feeling all femmy.
So here, in the midst of this loneliness, I find some hope.  Hope that I can learn to be honest.  Learn to be me in the company of others.  This is the most intimidating journey in my mind.  Much scarier than finding a career path or a wife.  Because none of those things will matter if I can't find myself.  Or God. 
But that's another story . . .