Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I watched the Manchurian candidate on Saturday.
What a movie.
It was intense and creepy and suspenseful.
I liked it, but something about it bothered me.

I think that I don't like movies where there is a sense of unrestrained evil. That's why I have never liked horror movies. This movie was creepy partly because the main characters were pawns to a sort of runaway evil that they were powerless to stop. That creeps me out more than zombie movies. Although the same concepts exist in those movies. This idea that evil sets the parameters for the battle between good and evil. That's a scary thought. Because even if you defeat the physical representation of that evil, the world you live in is still foundationally wrong. That's bad.

It's a good thing the real world isn't like that.
Or we'd all be dead.
Except for my friend Andrew.
He'd have a chainsaw surgically attached to his arm.

Today was . . . brighter.

I swam in the pool.
I thought a lot.
I prayed quite a bit.
It was really nice.

I'm still stuck at home and still pretty bored, but I guess I'm going to at least try and find something meaningful to do, rather than whine.  Maybe God is teaching me something.

If there's anything I've been thinking about, it's how lonely I am.  I don't mean that in a self-pitying mournful way.  More in a realizing how much I isolate myself way.  The weirdest thing about this realization is that I'm seeing how big it is.  How there is no quick fix.  And how this isn't the kind of loneliness that a girl will magically fill.  This is a deep "I need God and community" loneliness.  I think its a good realization.
When you're in a school like the one I went to, community is sort of forced on you.  I found myself accepting it, sometimes begrudgingly, but never really appreciating its depth.  Now that I'm in a different place with different people, I'm starting to understand how important community (by this I mean an intimate group of believers) really is.
There are some things that I wish I could do over again.  Right now I find myself wishing that I had taken the time to really dig in with the people I lived with.  I wish I had learned how to be open with other guys, and how to let them be open with me.  Apparently girls are good at this.  There were moments of openness, but generally I found myself drifting in the company of the guys, never really revealing how I felt about myself, or them.  I don't think guys are very good at affirming eachother.  We need to find a way to do that without feeling all femmy.
So here, in the midst of this loneliness, I find some hope.  Hope that I can learn to be honest.  Learn to be me in the company of others.  This is the most intimidating journey in my mind.  Much scarier than finding a career path or a wife.  Because none of those things will matter if I can't find myself.  Or God. 
But that's another story . . .

Today was lonely.
So lonely.
It was like this crushing weight all day. 

What made it unbearable was the boredom.  I couldn't go anywhere because of my car.  So I got up at 12:30, watched tv for a while, then decided to make breakfast.
At 2:30 I tried to make pancakes.  I failed.  So I ate Ritz crackers and peanut butter.
Then I mowed the lawn.
I then tried to take my dad's bike to work.  It had a flat tire.  I walked.  I was so happy to go to work.

I swore a lot today.
And no one was home.

But I did learn how to play "Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen.
I love that song.

Here's a gew random thoughts. because it is ear;y in the morning and I cannot sleep.  I am slowly morphing into an owl.  Seriously, I'm a hoot.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeheeeeeeeee.  That joke was for HA.

Okay first, I think that pastors should not be careless about their illustrations.  It's just a bad idea.  Almost as bad an idea as starting a paragraph with the word "okay."  It's like I'm a fourteen year old girl, and this is my emo blog.  ANd I just made fun of emo.  How old is that joke?  At any rate, I was at this church on Sunday, and they had a guest speaker.  He was talking about our inheritance as Christians.  At one point, he commented that if any of us had a rich uncle (like everyone's favourite Rich Uncle Pennybags) who died and left a will, we would want to go through that will to find out how to get our portion of the inheritance.  Sensible enough,  But then he said, "The Bible is like God's last will and testament to us."  Clearly attempting to play on the "testament" idea.  However, as I thought about it I realized, "There is no way of saying what he just said without implying that God is dead!"  Did he mean to imply such a thing?  Of course not.  But one careless analogy left me with a sour taste in my mouth.  It would only take about three seconds to think that through before saying it.  I really would not mind if a preacher literally paused for three seconds in silence while he processed an analogy like that to its logical conclusion.  It's just unecessary to always make a congregation have to listen to certain implications and disregard others.  The whole "meat and bones/ baby and bathwater" argument.
Damn babies.

I'm also having a problem with the sometimes subtle and somtimes not so sublte dualism that is rampant in the church.  This idea that matter and the mind is on one side of a divide, and the spirit on another.  Who's idea was this?  I get tired of preachers telling me that I somehow have to absorb God's word in to my spirit.  Fair enough, but how do I do that without thinking about it?  Meditation is a mental as well as a spiritual exercise.  There is truth to the idea that the mind cannot fully comprehend the things of God.  However, those that claim to have bypassed the mind in favour of the spirit deserve to be questioned.  God's truth is revealed by His Word and His Spirit, as far as my elementary understanding goes.  There cannot be one without the other.  Although I have not researched this area, I would venture to say that those who have had the most dramatic, Holy Spirit inspired conversions (A muslim having a vision of Christ for example), are the ones who are the most excited and hungry to read the word of God.  Perhaps I am crazy on this issue.  But I think that a little research would probably show this to be true in most cases.  Perhaps I will research this.  Anyways, all this to say that the church should seek to adapt a Biblical idea of body and spirit, as well as a Biblical epistomology.  God won't be offended if we do a little thinking.

Finally, I am becoming more convinced that all Subway employees eventually become superheroes, if they dedicate themselves to their training.  I am probably no more than two weeks away from superhero of sandwich making status.

That is all.
If none of this makes sense, remember that I am writing this at 3:00 am.

That is all.
Again.
If you read this the whole way through, congratulations.
Leave a comment.
It will let people know your accomplishment.

That is all.

My friend Shrah wrote this a couple of weeks ago.  She is a genius.  Read this . . .
 
"I always wonder what true joy looks like, and I've realized it's not one of those characteristic traits you can adopt easily. In fact, I have yet to come across one of those types of characteristic traits. I'll let you know when I do. BUT... I do believe joy is a type of discipline we can practise. Or at least, celebration is. But what about those days where I find joy in nothing? What about my horribly depressing days when I find reason to be negative about the flowers that show up on my doorstep? (Yes, I have those days.) Where does the joy come from then? Because I need to get some !
Joy is the very nature and character of God. But Jesus was also known in the Bible as a man of many sorrows. But "the sorrow of God, like the anger of God, is his temporary response to a fallen world." So my question: if I am to be like Jesus and learn His heart in this fallen world, what should characterize my life, joy or grief? Honestly I hate being serious and downcast. Yet I feel guilty for not being more broken over the things around me everyday that break the heart of God.
It's often hard for me to remember that joy is not a feeling, but rather a choice and an action, much like love. And it's one of those (seemingly) opposite, backwards truths of the Bible: "True joy, as it turns out, comes only to those who have devoted thier lives to something greater than personal happiness" (Ortberg).
In the midst of all the sorrow and heartache, joy was Jesus' PURPOSE: He purposefully endured the cross, scorning its sufferings and shame "for the joy set before him"(Heb. 12:2). "Even the night before his crucifixion, when Jesus prayed his high priestly prayer, he asked the Father that his disciples might be filled with his joy. Jesus saw beyond the cross to the inexpressible joy of salvation's wondrous plan being finished. When he died as the sacrifice for sin and even as he now lives as high priest...it was and is not for himself that he endured the cross. Rather, it was for all those who would believe in him and thereby be filled with his joy and glory. His joyful purpose as he went to the cross was to bring many sons to glory" (Stronstad).
THAT is joy in the midst of brokenness and a fallen world. Joy not for self-purposes, but joy because of the purposes of God among a lost people. If Jesus was living for and focused on himself and his own, fleshly desires, joy would be non-existent and almost an impossibility in the face of his life and sufferings. (Think of how scarce true joy is among people today who live for their own selfish desires and wants.) But what made joy possible was the fact that His purposes were others-centred, focused on the will and purpose of God. It is only when we are focused on God and His purposes and will that we can partake of His nature, which is true joy. And the Word says, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" (Neh. 8:10).
So be challenged - if you're not already one of those naturally joyful, bubbly, optimistic, happy-even-in-the-morning kinda persons (who often challenge me the most :P) - to choose joy, cuz even those people have their days :) Be blessed !"
 
 
P.S. "Shrah" is not her real name, it is a nickname.  A shortened version of her real name.  Her real name has an "E" in it somewhere.  See if you can guess where.

Bah!
Worst week ever.
Not in the whiny "Everything bad happens to me" way. More the remorseful "I'm the worst person ever" way.

I've been realizing lately how much I really need people, and how much I really hide from said people. It's like I have close friends, but I never let them too close, because I'm afraid of what they might find out. Do I have a lot to hide? No, not really. I'm just so afraid of really opening up. Afraid of rejection I suppose. Not that I hang out with the kind of people who would do that. But it remains a fear nonetheless.