Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I went to youth convention. So good. I saw so many people. I am Archie Andrews.

Anyways, I've been doing so much thinking lately, mostly because I have a job that requires little to no concentration. And, as I mentioned last blog, I am completely driven by guilt. I hate it. It's the only way I know how to live and express my faith. Guilt! That's what the church teaches kids these days.

I was at convention, and they were having this big altar call, and I was in the back kind of having it out with God in my mind. I realized that I'm an ascetic at heart. I want to be able to do something about my condition. To prove to God that I'm good enough. To make up for my sins. But I can't, and it's like this wall that I hit every time. I was just like, "It's too easy God. This whole grace thing, it's just not fair. I can't understand it." And therein lies my problem. God's grace isn't "fair". That's the whole point. His love is the same for all, the good and the bad. Until I get that through my head I'll never really get it. My problem is that I don't want to accept that love. It seems to simple. Almost like a copout. I always feel like I have to do some kind of penance for my sins. I know all this is wrong, but it's the way I think. And it needs to change. But like a wise friend said yesterday, it's not something I can change myself. It has to be the work of the Holy Spirit, or else I'll just frustrate myself. So that's my dilemma.
I have to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes. I'm not the one who judges whether I am worthy of God's love or not. But I seem to think that I know better than God on this issue. I don't, and I need help.