Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I went to youth convention. So good. I saw so many people. I am Archie Andrews.

Anyways, I've been doing so much thinking lately, mostly because I have a job that requires little to no concentration. And, as I mentioned last blog, I am completely driven by guilt. I hate it. It's the only way I know how to live and express my faith. Guilt! That's what the church teaches kids these days.

I was at convention, and they were having this big altar call, and I was in the back kind of having it out with God in my mind. I realized that I'm an ascetic at heart. I want to be able to do something about my condition. To prove to God that I'm good enough. To make up for my sins. But I can't, and it's like this wall that I hit every time. I was just like, "It's too easy God. This whole grace thing, it's just not fair. I can't understand it." And therein lies my problem. God's grace isn't "fair". That's the whole point. His love is the same for all, the good and the bad. Until I get that through my head I'll never really get it. My problem is that I don't want to accept that love. It seems to simple. Almost like a copout. I always feel like I have to do some kind of penance for my sins. I know all this is wrong, but it's the way I think. And it needs to change. But like a wise friend said yesterday, it's not something I can change myself. It has to be the work of the Holy Spirit, or else I'll just frustrate myself. So that's my dilemma.
I have to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes. I'm not the one who judges whether I am worthy of God's love or not. But I seem to think that I know better than God on this issue. I don't, and I need help.

I'm going to youth convention this weekend. That should be fun.

I'm trying this experiment right now where I pretty much try to ignore my conscience. Basically I've found I'm almost entirely driven by guilt. Hopefully that will change.

So far it's not working very well.

I had some kind of moment last night. You know, one of those times when time just stands still. I was just listening to random radio stations in my ridiculously dark room, and thinking about life. I thought about travelling and writing music. I started to write a song in my head, while "Walking in Memphis" was playing on the radio. I don't know who wrote that song, but I like it. Mostly because I like the piano. I love those "time standing still" moments.

I should have written down those lyrics.

I don't usually blog about the blogger service itself, but they seem to have changed their interface, and man it's confusing. So confusing indeed.

Anyways, I played drums at Maple Ridge CLA yesterday. It was mothers day. I loved playing drums, but CLA still just scares the hell out of me. I realized that as long as I went there, I would always feel like I have to apologize for who I am. Like I'm not quite "right" or something. That made me cry, while I was sitting at the drums. I can't believe I just blogged about crying. I'm like some sensitive internet artsy guy or something. Eww.

There should be a superhero of that nature. Sensitive blogger man. He kicks ass at night, and then in the morning, blogs about how he's misunderstood, and he really doesn't want to hurt people. He just wants world peace, and he'll try to blog it into existence. And defend it by kicking ass.

Have you ever been at a point where you're just so disgusted with your own sinfulness, your own double-sidedness that you just want to die? I have. It's scary. But maybe that's the place where change happens.

It's been too long since my last internet ramble.
I'm at the library. I've taken a real liking to public internet use, especially since I can't really access the internet at my house.

Here's what's going on around me:
There are two kids across from me, probably about 11 years old. I recognize them because when I was in here two days ago, they were here too. You'd think they're supposed to be in school or something, but for some reason they're here, playing internet RPG's.
To my right, after the empty computer, is a woman I recognize from yesterday. I went in to Value Village to apply for a job, and she was ahead of me in line. She had bought something, I think she said she bought it by accident, and she wanted to return it for money. The girl at the counter said that they didn't do cash refunds, she needed to exchange it for something of equal value. The woman was not impressed, but she went off to find another item valued at $6.99. I then proceeded to get an application for a job.
I'm not sure if there's any kind of library etiquette, like if farting in the library is okay. I guess I'm about to find out.
Finally, at the opposite end of the computer desk are two guys. One is talking on a cellphone, the other is running his hands through his long, wicked-ass mohawk. I love the library. Maybe I should work here.

Dan Kang returns in like four days or something. I can't be entirely sure because I've essentially lost track of time.

I hate looking for a job. It's my least favourite thing to do ever. I would rather sleep in parks and teach passersby how to predict the weather by sensing their magnetic fields or something. That would be useful, and it would pay well.