Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I went away this weekend.
To Williams Lake. It was really great.
I love the people there,
I love playing music.
Hence the name change for this site.

Many random thoughts flew through my mind since the last time I blogged:

1. I fear that I will not be able to graduate. I've had the shittiest semester of my life (between my Grandpa dying over Christmas break and me almost dying a month later). I've had no focus, no purpose, nothing. I guess the whole world can't stop for my problems, but maybe I should at least start sharing them more?

2. Cute girls are just too much effort at this point. I got to that point of insecurity around this girl that I was interested in, where I started trying to get her attention all the time, and I was always wondering what she was thinking. I realized then that it just wasn't worth it. I'm tired of that insecurity. Maybe it's normal, but even then, I just don't need that right now.

3. I was thinking about God alot this weekend, since I was doing this ministry thing in Williams Lake. Here's one of the main things I thought about, which I was surprised to find mentioned in a few of the books I've perused lately (ie. Reaching for the Invisible God by Philip Yancey). We were singing this song in Chapel on Wednesday, and some of the main words were simply "Change me." An admirable thing to ask, but it got me thinking. I think I ask God to change me too much. It's like I'm sometimes asking God to change my personality. It's like I get the idea that sin is part of my personality. I don't think that's true. Maybe, in reality, alot of people hide behind their sin.
Okay, I'm leaving this unfinished because I need more time to think it over. I'll probably turn this part into a separate entry.

Later

Ever have one of those days where you just win at everything?
I just had one of those days.

I played Dutch Blitz and absolutely owned it. Twice. And it was with three girls. So good!

So I've taken up verbing (making nouns into verbs). I think with a little persistence I can singlehandedly change the face of the english language.

There's a blog called "pastor of muppets." I think that's pretty clever.
I think I want to change the title of my blog, but not to anything that clever. Probably something that's subtly meaningful to me or something. Much like the current title.
Later

So I went out last night around 12:30, found a quiet (and dark) place to sit, and watched the stars. They were so beautiful. But really I was just more happy to be alone and have some space to think. My trains of thought tend to easily derail. I bet no one could see that terrible metaphor coming. Anyways, It was so clear and cold and nice outside and I got to think. Thinking is one of my favourite things to do. Sometimes I think out loud, just for a change. But usually my thinking is done internally.
In my thinking I came to a somewhat disheartening realization. It's something that I've been starting to notice, but under the stars last night it just seemed to come into a sharper clarity. I realized that I am absolutely terrible at letting people in to my life. In fact, I don't let people in to my life. I don't tell people how I feel or what I'm thinking. I don't even really tell my parents what I'm thinking most of the time. And I don't really let God in to my life. I mean, I give him a certain amount of space, but beyond that I don't let anyone in. I realized that I need to start opening up, at least to God, or I'll most likely die.
So it seems I must start again. It's like I have to learn relationships all over again.
Is it wrong to be scared of letting people in?
I feel like I've been hurt way too many times to even be myself anymore.
The world doesn't have much of a place for those that are truly vulnerable.

Chapel tonight was great. Ted Boodle spoke. He's one of my favourite people ever. There's alot of thoughts in my head that I haven't got around to thinking, but I think there'll be a poem coming soon.

I almost quit student council today.
It's hard to serve people without killing myself. I didn't really take this job because I wanted it. I have so much to do, and my senior class, according to the wonderfully (un)encouraging student body president, apparently wants to have my head because I never plan anything. I say, let them plan their own socials. But then I'm not exactly being a servant. Bah. So frustrating. I hate student council. It's ridiculous, and I'm just a scapegoat anyways.

Sometimes I get tired of fighting the same battle,
falling in to the same traps,
struggling with the same sin.

It drives me crazy.
I want to win.

Last night I went to 7-11 with a couple of guys. We were at the counter, and some other guys we knew came in to the store. So one of the guys I was with yelled out, "Hey, you're dead!" It was funny because there were all these random 7-11 people. That's when I called out, "He means, like, symbolically dead." Then, taking my geekiness even farther, I said, "Yeah, metaphorically dead!" I used the word "metaphorically" in 7-11! And man did it ever fail. It was like the minute the word left my mouth it just died. I got nothing but a blank look from the clerk, and rightfully so. Who uses the word "metaphorically" in 7-11? Who does that??
I am a vocabulary nerd.