Tales of a Secret Rockstar

Large/well thought out/ possilby controversial blog coming soon.

For the record I have been doing better in the last week. I've really come to realize that what I do is not as important as where my heart is. I'm really working hard at breaking out of outwardly motivated faith. That mentality that what I do makes me valuable to God. I know there's a better way to live. I've decided to find out what it is.

I feel like my life is in total disarray.

A warning to the wise, this is not one of those thinking posts. This is a full on "inner turmoil, I'm crying from the pit of despair" kind of post. Just so we're all clear here.

As I may have mentioned before, life is chaos right now. And it's not really something that can be easily explained. I just don't feel like there's any semblance of order to life right now. I'm just always scrambling.

I'm not doing all that great spiritually. I have this weird feeling that despite my best efforts, I'm being inexorably pulled farther from God. Granted, I keep making sinful/stupid choices that tend to cause this. But I don't necessarily feel in control of those choices. And that really freaks me out. I feel like it's time for a drastic change. I just don't know what to do about it. It's God that changes me. I don't want to try to discipline myself into holy living. But at the same time, life demands discipline. I don't think people can be healthy without it. And the same is true of spirituality. Without spiritual disciplines, I won't grow. It's that constant work of turning my attention off of myself, and on to God. But I don't really like work. So I'm stagnating.

I think that's the problem in general. I'm not willing to be disciplined. I need organization. It's just something I've tried to avoid for a very long time. And I lack confidence. But that's a different post entirely.