Tales of a Secret Rockstar

I've been thinking.
I'm always thinking, so I guess that's nothing new.
I wonder if I'm running to something or away from something.
I'm not a very responsible person. I sometimes wonder if my whole music dream is just an effort to run away from responsibility. I'm not good at punctuality or paperwork, so maybe I'm tossing out this whole ministry thing because of that. But on the other hand, I did have enough discipline to practice drums for 45 min. to an hour a day last year. That takes responsibility, doesn't it? I fully intend to start that again next semester, for at least an hour a day.

So am I pursuing a dream because it's what I want, or a delusion because I'm afraid of the alternatives?

Someone told me I was delusional today. I was talking about being a rockstar. It bothers me that the minute someone talks about making it in the music world, they get told that they'll never make it. Especially when Christians are involved. I always get told that I could be a pastor and do "music on the side." I don't want "music on the side." What is that? Is music like the soggy curly fries that no one really wants? The bad mashed potatos that I can dip my fried chicken in? Eww.

I feel like I'm finally letting myself dream here, and this is when people tell me I'm wrong. No one ever told me I was crazy for wanting to be a youth pastor. If anything I consider that a sign that I shouldn't do it. I think I need to do something that people will think I'm a little crazy for doing. Or else I'd spend next semester saying something like,
"I can't wait to get out of this school and start my boring life. I'm so pumped to do boring things for the next 20 years." And then people will say, "Youth ministry isn't boring, you get paid to hang out with teens. And go to skating rinks and waterslides and fun stuff." And then I'll say, "I don't want to go to skating rinks and waterslides, I want to perform!" Then my imaginary audience will say, "You're crazy you'll never make it." And I'll say, "Watch me!" And I'll go on to have a fruitful career in music, with ministry on the side. Then, in later years, I'll teach something and write books.

Okay, so obviously by the way I'm writing here, this whole music thing isn't going to disappear. I just hate feeling this invisible pressure to do something I don't think I really care for. I'm reminded of "Legally Blonde", where Elle decides to quit law school because her teacher hit on her. Luke Wilson's character (I'm ashamed to say I can't remember his name) stops her and asks her what she's doing. She tells him she's quitting and going back to LA. She says, "I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not." Then he says this: "What if you're trying to be someone you are?"

I think that's what's happening to me.
Maybe I'm finally trying to be someone I am.